What Is DARVO? Spotting and Responding to Blame Shifting

If you find yourself constantly defending your reality, feeling confused by someone’s narrative, or blamed for behaviors you didn't commit, you may be experiencing a manipulative communication tactic known as DARVO.

This bewildering strategy is often used by abusive individuals to avoid accountability and regain control in moments where they feel threatened or exposed. Understanding this pattern is crucial for anyone navigating a toxic or abusive relationship—whether you're still in it, trying to leave, or coparenting with your abuser.

Continue reading to learn what DARVO is, how it presents in everyday life, its psychological impact, and how to respond in a healthy and effective way.

What is DARVO?

DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a pattern of response used to deflect responsibility and shift blame onto the person calling out the harmful or concerning behavior. The term was coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd in the context of institutional betrayal but has since been widely recognized in interpersonal relationships.

This tactic manipulates perception, destabilizes the victim, and often confuses third parties who may not recognize the pattern. While common in abusive relationships between romantic partners, DARVO can also be present in families and workplaces where manipulation and control are central.

DARVO is a counterproductive defense mechanism driven by a need to preserve control, maintain a favorable self-image, and avoid culpability. Abusers use DARVO to shut down valid concerns and isolate their victims emotionally and socially. When the victim begins to question their own perceptions or recollections, the abuser gains even more control.

DARVO in Action

Let’s look at how DARVO can show up in real communication.

Example #1: “Why are you constantly stirring up drama? I’m the one trying to keep the peace, but you insist on being disruptive and harmful!”

Here, the speaker denies their own role in escalating conflict and frames the recipient as overbearing and creating conflict. They present themselves as calm and cooperative while casting the other person as confrontational and unreasonable. This is a direct attack on the other person’s character and intentions. The speaker then flips the roles, claiming that they are the victim, rather than the one being called out. This is DARVO in action—everything is turned into an indictment against the victim.

Example #2: “You act like my human emotions come out of nowhere, but it’s your behavior that causes them. Maybe if you took some accountability, I wouldn’t be so unpleasant all the time. I don’t want it to be this way, but you’ve given me no choice. You decided it had to be this way.”

The speaker denies ownership over their emotional regulation, implying their reactions are justified rather than problematic. They attack the other person’s character and blame them for their unpleasant behavior. The speaker reverses roles, portraying themselves as someone who is simply reacting to the other person’s cruelty and irresponsibility. The actual victim, likely trying to express a boundary or concern, is reframed as the abuser who forced the speaker into toxic behavior.

Example #3: “I’m tired of you trying to make me look like a bad person to everyone when you are the one lying and twisting things because you’re desperate to protect your ego. I know exactly what you're doing because I’ve dealt with your manipulation for years.”

The speaker denies any wrongdoing, framing themselves as unfairly targeted. Next, they attack the recipient’s motivations and honesty, undermining their credibility and perception of reality. Finally, the speaker positions themselves as the one suffering through longstanding manipulation, thereby reversing roles in the conflict. This is classic DARVO. The speaker accuses the other person of the very behaviors they are exhibiting: manipulation, ego-protection, and narrative control.

Example #4: “You’re only acting like a decent person now because you’re trying to ease your own guilt, and everyone knows it. You’ve been dishonest for as long as I’ve known you—even as a child. I’ve been the one carrying the weight of your lies for years, doing my best to hold everything together.”

The speaker denies the efforts of the recipient, invalidating and dismissing genuine change or growth and appealing to imagined consensus (“everyone knows it”) to reinforce their opinion. They then escalate the accusation with character attacks, including a deeply personal dig into the recipient’s childhood to frame them as fundamentally dishonest. Finally, the speaker reverts into victimhood, claiming persecution despite their own aggressive posture.

The Psychological Impact of DARVO

DARVO tactics can be incredibly destabilizing. Victims often experience:

• Self-doubt: Feel confused, doubting their own memory, judgment, and sensitivity.

• Increased anxiety: Worry they may be the abuser and experience heightened stress around communication.

• Isolation: Withdraw socially due to shame, fear of not being believed, or fear of being misrepresented.

• Emotional exhaustion: Feel emotionally overwhelmed, depleted, and stuck.

  
  

DARVO is especially potent when used repeatedly over time. It corrodes a victim’s self-trust and makes it harder to identify abuse clearly. In coparenting situations, DARVO doesn't just harm the parent being targeted but can spill over onto the children, affecting their emotional development and sense of stability as well.

Whether you’re still in the relationship or trying to navigate its aftermath, remember: while you cannot control another person’s behavior, you do have control over your response. It is possible to protect your peace and assert the truth without engaging in reactive dynamics or blame-based conflict. With practice and self-awareness, patterns of manipulation like DARVO become easier to spot. This awareness enables you to respond thoughtfully and maintain integrity rather than retaliating in kind.

How to Respond to DARVO

Managing DARVO requires clarity, boundaries, and emotional discipline. Here are a few strategies:

1. Don’t Engage with the Blame: Refuse to internalize accusations that are untrue. Respond minimally—or not at all—when the goal of the conversation is to provoke. Avoid emotional defense or counteraccusations.

2. Don’t Argue the False Narrative: Correcting every lie or distortion invites further manipulation. Instead, document facts privately and disengage from narrative-based debates.

3. Do Set Boundaries: Cease all communication if possible. If that option is not available, as in a coparenting situation, limit the number of interactions you have with the abuser. Set limits on how soon or how often you respond to routine communication. For example, wait 24 hours before responding to avoid impulsive reactions or consolidate information into one weekly update. This is a great way to avoid lengthy, hostile exchanges that serve no purpose.

4. Do Use BIFF Responses: BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. The BIFF Method is a recommended conflict resolution strategy. Keep responses short, factual, and polite. If coparenting, stick to brief, child-centered, fact-based communication that ignores attacks and focuses on shared parenting responsibilities.

5. Do Seek Professional Support: Therapists or parenting coordinators trained in narcissistic abuse and high-conflict dynamics can help you stay grounded and develop a healthy response strategy. Joining a support group and connecting with others who have experienced similar challenges can help you untangle confusion and rebuild confidence.

   
   

Healthy Disagreement vs. DARVO: A Comparison

Telling someone they're wrong or mistaken is not DARVO. In healthy communication, even in conflict, we can assert boundaries, correct falsehoods, or express hurt without distorting the roles of harm-doer and harmed. DARVO responses are emotionally reactive and stem from arrogance, entitlement, guilt, shame, or fear of losing control.

Let’s say someone falsely accuses you of not informing them of an appointment. Here are two possible responses:

Healthy Disagreement (Non-DARVO Response): "That’s not true. I informed you on Tuesday via text. I’d appreciate it if we clarified these kinds of things before assuming the worst."

• What’s happening: The person defends themselves factually and respectfully.

• What they don’t do: They don’t flip the script, escalate, or claim to be the victim of an attack.

  
  

DARVO Response: "How dare you accuse me! You're just trying to make me look bad, like always. Why do you always have to make everything so difficult? Stop harassing me."

• Deny: "How dare you accuse me!" (Flat rejection without evidence or clarification.)

• Attack: "You’re trying to make me look bad, like always." (Clear attack)

• Reverse Victim and Offender: “Stop harassing me.” (Claims victimhood)

  
  

Healthy responses focus on accountability where appropriate, clarify details or intentions, and avoid emotional escalation or blame reversal. DARVO starts when denial is paired with deflection or blame, the accused attacks the accuser’s character or motives, and the accused claims to be the victim.

Final Thoughts

DARVO is not just a communication style—it’s a form of emotional abuse. It is designed to destabilize and disempower. Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward neutralizing its effects. If you find yourself experiencing a DARVO attack: stay calm, stay clear, and stay rooted in reality. DARVO loses its power when it fails to trigger a reaction.

Protect your peace, stand in your truth, and move forward with purpose.